"I Don't Understand Why She Didn't Just Leave..."
By: Alyssa Seal
The mind is a hilariously twisted place, that no one fully understands. You can condemn and judge me for what I've done, but how can you do so without first understanding my own torturous internal processes?
It started with a phone call-actually, it's technical beginning was several months beforehand, but this phone call, this trap, marked the official start. I spent that summer healing my broken heart with the laughter and relief provided by a good friend. He was sweet, innocent, funny-unlike anything I'd ever pursued. As the leaves turned brown, I realized what I wanted out of that friendship. But he had other issues to resolve first, and I had to help heal his heartache. I find it funny now, how easily I criticized her when I didn't understand. But when the snow began to fall, he was mine. My best friend, my other half, my boyfriend. I thought then that I was lucky.
"You guys look like you have such a healthy relationship."
I didn't see the irony in that statement quite yet.
He was wonderful. You don't even understand. He spent money on me, bought me nice jewelry, drove me around. When I wanted to look at my own car, he took me. So what if I had to help pay for his tires? He went out of his way for me, it was more than I deserved. I gave him nothing.
Everything I did was wrong. Why did I have so many more guy friends than girl friends? Not like I ever got to see them, anyways- I preferred spending time with him. Why did I think it was acceptable to have a drink every now and then? He wouldn't allow it, it was for my own good. Why would I want to spend the summer in Myrtle Beach, when his birthday was over the summer? That was so selfish of me, so thoughtless, so inconsiderate. How could I be so selfish? Every move I made was just another attempt to hurt him. I was the worst girlfriend ever- stubborn, quick tempered, selfish, flirtatious, and too determined to be my own person.
"Worthless bitch, cunt, ingrate, fat whore."
I never really meant to hurt him, make him feel that way. I never wanted my actions to leave that impression on anyone. I'm not a bad person, I loved him. How could I have turned into such a terrible monster? I had to fix it, had to be better. Had to be the amazing girl he fell in love with, the one who made him happy. I loved him. His happiness was my priority. How could I have lost sight of that? Don't hate me. I love you. I'll make it better, I swear. I can be the girl you fell in love with. I can be a better person. Just wait. I'll show you. Just, please don't say those things anymore. You'll never know how your words truly effect me. Please stop, I can prove to you that I love you. You don't understand.
That was a mistake and a half. Angry words turned into angry gestures. Fingers locked around my jaw, palm tight against my throat-Listen. Pinches, pushes-What is wrong with you? Slaps, punches, pinning and screaming- Why would you hurt me enough to do this to you? He was just being rough, he wasn't abusive. Mutual pain. Not abuse. Rougher, Harder, Louder- stop hurting him and he won't hurt you. Never again, he swore. You don't understand.
Pained, scared, scarred, hurt.
"I'm so sorry baby, I swear I'll stop. I lost control. It's the only way I know how to make you feel what I feel."
Still, it couldn't have been abuse. He loved me. Physical harm once every few months didn't constitute as abuse. I was being over dramatic. I was looking to feel bad for myself. It was my fault anyways, I did wrong and I deserved what I got. Don't hurt him, he won't hurt you. Besides, when things were good, they were really good. Why would I leave that, over a few fights? Every relationship has its problems- you have to take the good with the bad. Besides, "No one has what we have." No one understands...
No one. No one would ever love me if I left him. He was it. You just don't understand.
Pained, scared, scarred, hurt. On the ground, bruised. On his bead, aching. In the shelter of my own room, sore. It hurts too much to leave. I'm sorry. Sorry. So sorry.
Last straw. I wish I had the guts to tell you to your face, but I didn't. Out of nowhere I've found my strength, my courage, my vision, my ability to walk away. Mine. Goodbye, I'm so sorry.
It was still my fault though, and I can admit that. How could I not have left sooner? How could I not have walked away the first time? Why did I let him treat me that way. My mother raised a stronger daughter, a smarter daughter. Nothing bad would have happened if I had the strength to leave. But you don't understand.
"You're like a tornado, Lyssie- You keep circling around this same point, and no matter how much destruction you leave, you continue circling over the same path."
Maybe, but you don't understand.
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